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How to avoid life regrets
(6 minutes reading time)
The word regret is one of the most poignant words in the English language. Indeed, at some juncture in all of our adult lives, we are confronted by a common question.
This is a regret-based question. It’s one that we either ask ourselves, or it's posed by someone close to us. This question might come a decade after an important career move, or the decision to start (or end) an important relationship.
The question is usually phrased like this:
“What regrets do you have in your life?”
DEFINING THE WORD REGRET
Before we get deeper into exploring the subject of regret, it makes sense to provide a definition of the word.
Marcel Zeelenberg, who is a scholar of economic psychology and behavioural economics, defines regret as:
"the negative, cognitively based emotion that we experience when realising or imagining that our present situation would have been better if we had acted differently”
Due to this cognitive process, where humans compare real-life outcomes versus envisioning the scenarios 'that might have been' the term regret has been called a counterfactual emotion. Simply stated, the term “counterfactual" means - something that did not happen. And so, the emotion of regret can be triggered by thoughts of an alternative, mostly a better reality that did not come to pass because we were too afraid, too lazy or perhaps we lacked the knowledge to take action at the time of the life choice.
LATER LIFE REGRETS
People in their twilight years often bring up the subject of their life regrets. My own experience suggests that many of our regrets are based on the insight that comes with 'lived' experience, and the much and perhaps overly used phrase known as the benefit of hindsight.
Of course, we all make life choices and decisions that we go on to regret. Having some life regrets is inevitable, and most of us accept this reality – one where we are all forced to make certain decisions, and we have to accept the consequences (good and bad) of these choices.
Most regrets surface later in life
Research studies tell a story
WHAT DOES THE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH TELL US?
It’s natural that most of us would want to avoid a life of regret - if at all possible. This brings us around to the question of scientific research. What can science studies teach us about the most common areas of life regret, perhaps helping us to make choices that mean we don’t look back with too much emphasis on the sentence “if only I had chosen this, or not done that”.
You won’t be surprised to know that there has been a plethora of studies and research that looks at the biggest human regrets. Much of the best research is based on surveys and interviews with people at different stages of their life.
Having now invested a few hours scanning and digesting some of this research, below is what I regard as a fair summary of the top human regrets.
1. Not pursuing one's dreams or passions
2. Not spending enough time with loved ones
3. Not expressing feelings or speaking up for oneself
4. Not traveling or experiencing new things
5. Not taking care of one's physical health
6. Working too much and not achieving a good work-life balance
7. Not being true to oneself or living an authentic life
8. Not saving enough money or planning for retirement
9. Not forgiving oneself or others
10. Not making meaningful connections or friendships
Most of the research I’ve conducted reveals that these regrets often occur later in life. Taking a consensus and choosing a bias from the research also suggests that people who focus on personal growth, relationships, and experiences tend to have fewer regrets than those who prioritise material possessions or career success.
There are 10 common regrets
CAN REGRET BE A GOOD THING?
The truth is that in some aspects of life that aching sensation and feeling of regret can be a great provider of good and influential lessons. The old analogy states that if you bang your head enough times, you will learn to duck down or adopt a different approach.
As an example, as I am now a bald man, and the recipient of too many head injuries from the underside of my car boot lid. As a result, I am now uber-cautious when ferreting in the rear of my car. The unsightly cuts, stitches and blinding headaches have caused me to work differently. I now withdraw my head before standing up!
Although this is a deliberately simple example, over time (i.e. when we bang our heads enough) the pain from our past experiences can prompt us to act differently in the future. In a similar way, if you regret not asking that beautiful girl out because you felt she was too good for you (when in fact some years later she told you that she actually fancied you at school – what a shame) you may find the courage to ask out the next lady or man who takes your ethical fancy.
Considering other aspects of regret, I can think of times when I have loaned money to friends. On too many occasions, I have had to write the money off, or have been faced with the embarrassing situation of needing to remind a friend of their need to repay the friendly, no-interest loan. “Never again, I always tell myself” after such experiences. Sadly, the friendships are often not the same after the loan. This is an especially harsh lesson (regret) to swallow after an act of kindness.
CONCLUSIONS
Examining some of the 10 most common human regrets (at least the ones that my research unveiled) has me frowning and smiling in equal proportions. Let’s look at a few of those regrets and make some observations on them.
Not pursuing one's dreams or passions
In my work, I have observed that some people do not actually have a clear vision of their dreams, passions and life desires. They often don’t have even the most basic of life plans. Some people actually appear afraid of taking the action to plan their life.
Not spending enough time with loved ones
We are all guilty of this one. Time is our most precious asset (it is not refundable) but yet how many of us invest this without great care for its immense value?
Not traveling or experiencing new things
Some people don’t have a bucket list. They have not thought about and don’t know what they would like to experience.
Not taking care of one's physical health
We all know that if we abuse our car and don’t service it frequently, it is likely to break down. It’s the same for the human body. We all know this, but yet we fail to act accordingly.
Working too much and not achieving a good work-life balance
Being clear on the things we want to do away from our work pushes us towards managing the work-life balance better.
To conclude, as people move into their later years, it is clear that a focus on material possessions sits at the bottom of many people’s life priority lists. The people who I observe as having the fewest regrets are the ones who focus on planning their time, being more considered and clear on what they want from their life, who seek out personal growth and knowledge, and who nurture strong personal relationships, whilst pursuing memorable life experiences.
Written by David Lilley
Written by David Lilley
David Lilley is from Derbyshire in the UK. He is the creator of The DEBRA Formula, a respected 15-year-old life planning system that supports people in the pursuit and accomplishment of their life desires.
Some of the research sources
- The Harvard Happiness Study. Link here
- Begley, Sharon. "Happiness: Enough Already." Newsweek. Feb. 11, 2008. (May 14, 2009)http://www.newsweek.com/id/107569
- How To Get Rich - Felix Dennis. Link here
- The Power Of egret. Danile Pink. Link is here
- Cave, Steve. "The Up Side of Down." Financial Times. Aug. 9, 2008.
- Chatzky, Jean. "Want to Be Rich? Don't Get Too Happy." CNNMoney. June 2008. (May 14, 2009)
- Horwitz, Allan V. and Wakefield, Jerome C. "The Loss of Sadness." Oxford University Press. 2007. (May 14, 2009)http://books.google.com/books?id=oWmtN3wSJmoC&client=firefox-a
- Lewis, Michael; Haviland-Jones, Jeanette M.; and Barrett, Lisa Feldman. "Handbook of Emotions." Guilford Press. 2008. (May 14, 2009)http://books.google.com/books?id=DFK1QwlrOUAC
- Wilson, Eric G. "Against Happiness." Macmillan. 2009. (May 19, 2009)http://books.google.com/books?id=riw4ld5hFr0C&client=firefox-a
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